"You totally FU%Ked it all up yesterday."
"I'm not really convinced you can do this."
"You totally blew it."
I was so ANGRY at the person that said that to me today.
Didn't they know that was going to upset me?
Didn't they CARE?
It's been such a whirl wind of 2 days--
Of inspiration, and learning, and connecting,
So crazy that I haven't even had a chance to write a blog for 2 days,
AND someone would have the NERVE to bring down my confidence and my HIGH?
Someone would try to KNOCK ME DOWN?
----That person was me.------
I said that to myself this morning.
And again when I was getting ready and looking at myself in the mirror.
And again when my mind began to race in a learning session.
I've come SO FAR with my confidence and drowning out my negative inside voice, but today it came back.
Because I believe, that overcoming fears, putting yourself out there, and truly squashing out that negative voice takes TIME.
Pardon my language, but A LOT OF FUCKING time.
Read a self help book and you will be confident!
Take this course and you will never speak negatively to yourself ever again!
Just say to yourself, "I'm confident" and POOF.. YOU ARE!
NO. NO. NO.
It just doesn't work that way.
I had a choice.
Let this negative voice overtake me and suffer in silence, or talk it out.
What had happened the night before was the celebration of our Diamond Dinner at the Beachbody Summit.
It was at a winery. We were all toasting and celebrating to ALL of the HARD WORK we put in as coaches for the past YEAR and we were recognized for helping others reach their goals and mentor our teams. (AKA I had a reason to celebrate as I'm a leader and a good coach.)
The food was KILLER, the drinks were KILLER, and it was a swanky cool celebration.
*Let me step back a bit and say, that I could CARE LESS about title, rank, or honours, but the reason why I'm so successful as a coach is because I LISTEN. I'm vested in my clients. And I CARE.*
The coaches that push products, don't lead by example, don't stay current or chase their egos don't last.
And I'm in this for the long haul.
But I was able to work it out with my coach that Friday could be an OFF day, just so I could celebrate GUILT FREE.
The first part of that plan worked out.
I worked so hard and I met my mark for 18 days to be able to enjoy this one night, and I listened to EVERY SINGLE thing she told me to do and I did it.
So why did I feel so guilty?
Why did I say such awful things to myself?
Because being a perfectionist is ingrained in me.
Growing up in a household where love was based on image and accomplishments, made me feel there was NO ROOM left for error.
Who can live with those expectations?
And who put them on myself?
--- I DID--
But you know what, even though this wasn't a mistake, but a planned event, I may still make an error.
To err is to be HUMAN.
PERFECTION does not EXIST.
And the hopes that someday you will reach it, leaves you feeling very empty.
And saying those things to yourself in silence is just mean.
You don't deserve that.
And neither did I.
So I LEANED IN to my tribe.
Usually when a SHIT STORM is coming, most people run.
Or when the SHIT HITS THE FAN, most people quit.
But because I've been doing so much work on my confidence, I'm not like most people.
1. My husband reminded me of the hard work I was putting into this goal, and how he's watched me say NO to things that will derail me from my plan for the past 18 days, and how I earned this planned night.
2. I reached out to my coach via text, and within about 20 minutes she called me. And we had a great talk revisiting the plan, and assuring me that this was part of it. She also told me that she's proud of me.
My husband tells me that many days, but do you know how much THOSE words meant to me?
I'm getting teary eyed just typing this right now.
I didn't hear that a lot in my life.
Maybe that's why I say it to Oliver, even though he's 2 and can't comprehend it yet, I still say it.. all the time.
And I say it to my coaches, whenever they show EFFORT and put themselves out there.
And I say it to my challengers, when they need to hear it most.
Say those simple words to others and say it often.
You may never know WHAT those words mean to someone.
You may never know their WHOLE story.
But know that EVERYONE loves to be re-assured.
"I'M PROUD OF YOU."
Say that to yourself.
NO ONE is perfect. No one is a 10 all the time.
And that's OK.
I give you permission to love yourself, but more importantly, be honest.
I give you permission to LEAN IN.
And not that you needed it, but truly.
We can do better!
That 45 minute run that I took today was the best thing I could do to start my day.
That cleared my head and gave me the confidence to be able to talk about..well... NOT HAVING confidence today!
I'm so thankful for my husband. I'm so thankful for my coach. I'm so thankful for my team.
I'm still a work in progress.
And I always will be.
A recap of 18, 19.. and Day 20 of 168... DONE!